Initial (Sloppy) Thoughts on The Battle of the Five Armies

SPOILERS SPOILERS DON’T CLICK READ MORE IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE YET AND DON’T WANT TO READ SPOILERS

Okay I just need to start and say that I LIKED BOTFA LOTS. I’ve been in a really good place lately with The Hobbit films and I went to the theater feeling so excited and pumped but also scared. When I saw AUJ I came in so happy but I left the theater feeling horrible, I was tired, grumpy and basically sulked the entire ride home. For DOS I went in feeling apprehensive and cautious but left the theater feeling good and I still enjoy DOS a lot. I think the reason I loved BOTFA so much was that I just totally separated it from the book, I just wanted to enjoy this movie as a movie.

I will try to make my thoughts as clear as possible and I want to warn you about any swearing that you will read.

  • Oh my god Beorn’s part was WAY TOO SHORT, but even though it lasted only seconds it is easily one of my top five favorite moments from the entire trilogy. He comes in riding on an Eagle and just JUMPS OFF AND TRANSFORMS INTO BEAR MIDAIR THEN STARTS TO JUST TEAR THROUGH THE ORCS. IT’S GREAT. And I hear there’s going to be more Beorn in the extended edition, there is a great need for more Beorn scenes.
  • Bard. Everything about Bard. Bard was perfect. I did not expect to love Bard this much. The part where he’s aiming the black arrow to shoot Smaug, that emotional scene with Bain ahhhhhhhhhhh so good. Throughout the entire film Bard was great. And his children are my faves now and there were moments where I was terrified one of them was going to die.
  • Now let me talk about the deaths. I remember two years ago someone jokingly said that Kili would die in an attempt to save Tauriel and I laughed and thought: “lol nah that would never happen.” But after seeing DOS last year I knew it would happen. I had an entire year to prepare myself for that moment, and while I don’t really like it, I didn’t get as angry as I thought I would. It did annoy me though that she wanted to bury him because that should fall to his kin. I’m hoping she meant she wanted to bury him with the dwarves.
  • THE. ARAGORN. REFERENCE. As soon as Thranduil started talking about how Legolas should go to find this man I started punching my dad’s arm because I couldn’t take it. All these Aragorn feelings came rushing back and punching me in the face.
  • It did annoy me how Legolas so readily sided with Tauriel the entire time and it annoyed me how Tauriel threatened to shoot Thranduil…I don’t know, I don’t know, the entire thing just didn’t feel right to me.
  • Golden whirlpool moment. I did like Thorin’s hallucinations but the whirlpool….it’s almost in the same category as the floating heads (you know when Frodo was in Rivendell and then Elrond’s head comes flying in) and share the load scene for me. Richard’s acting though. *applause*
  • The war pig. That war pig is the greatest there should have been more war pigs. My dad was deeply upset over its death though, he got more upset over that than any of the Durin’s deaths.
  • I thought Thranduil was great. The sass when he rolled his eyes as Gandalf was talking was through the roof. His fighting was A+++, you can see his fury towards the orcs. The thing about the jewels though. It was disappointing because they’ve been making a big deal about them for the last two movies and in the end there was no scene where he receives them. My guess is that it will be included in the extended edition because that plot hole is just too big to leave alone.
  • I did like the references towards Legolas’ mother at first but I just felt it wasn’t enough. I wanted more. And I wasn’t left with a good kind of curiosity, it’s more of an annoyed one. Like they didn’t do as much as they could of with this character. I think I would prefer it if she wasn’t mentioned at all.
  • There was just so much Alfrid, so much Alfrid. And there was not enough Fili, but there never was even in the other two films. I did laugh during Alfrid’s scenes, he’s like the more comical and gross Grima to me. I could have done without at least a third of Alfrid’s scenes if it meant more Fili. After a while I just kept thinking, okay we get it, Alfrid is a horrible person. But as I said, it made me laugh, so it wasn’t all bad.
  • Those weird tiny trolls were just creepy. They were creepy because they reminded me way too much of the titans from Attack on Titan. Also those worms. (IT’S AN ALASKAN. BULL. WORM. Spongebob reference, you’re welcome.) I mean…giant worms. Worms. If Azog just used those things they would have won the battle.
  • That Lake-town woman who talked about fighting alongside the men, A+++++.
  • THORIN SAID THE THING. “If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.” Or at least he said most of the thing, I don’t remember exactly what he said in the film.
  • Speaking of that scene….Azog holy shit just die already. We all knew his eyes would open, we knew it, and I was dreading it. Then BAM foot stab. I ended up sitting so low in my seat from the suspense. I don’t know how I feel about Thorin’s death, I’ve been looking forward to seeing Beorn come carry him out but we all know that didn’t happen. I cried though, I totally cried.
  • *sigh* Fili. You deserved better.
  • SPOONS. LOBELIA. She’s so cute wow
  • That troll with weapons for limbs and stitched up eyes??? TROLL, WHO DID THIS TO YOU, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE IN SO MUCH PAIN.
  • Legolas moves. The bat. The jumping on the falling rocks. The riding on the poor blind troll.
  • Bolg JUST DIE ALREADY OHMY GOD.
  • Elrond in armor can I get a hell yeah
  • Galadriel. What was with that quick The Grudge/The Ring moment?? I’m not 100% sure but I think I laughed when I saw that. Aside from that YOU GO, GALADRIEL. While I appreciate she can still kick some serious ass while wearing a dress, I would still have preferred to see her in armor.
  • That super flashy Sauron part was just too much.
  • ACORN!! Then Thorin telling Bilbo to go plant trees, GOODBYE.
  • I seriously hate it when they do close ups of Kili’s hands and his short and chubby dwarf fingers magically turn into a regular hand.
  • The scene where Thorin and Bard are talking…the way Thorin casually slides in then slides out
  • I liked the ending a lot but it was rushed. I wanted more Bilbo in the Shire
  • There was no funeral or coronation scene. No seeing Bard become king of Dale. I’m holding out hope that the EE will deliver
  • I am probably missing things that I wanted to say but this will do for now
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